Jennifer B. Wallace explores mattering — the fundamental human need to feel valued and to add value — as the antidote to modern loneliness, burnout, and disconnection. Drawing on research and powerful stories from firefighters, factory workers, and sanitation workers turned Harvard lawyers, she presents the SAID framework (Significant, Appreciated, Invested in, Depended on) as practical ingredients for building cultures of mattering at work, at home, and in communities.
matteringbelongingworkplace culturemental healthresilienceappreciationhuman connectionAI and purposeperfectionism
Key Takeaways
1Mattering has four ingredients (SAID): feeling Significant, Appreciated, Invested in, and Depended on — and each can be practiced intentionally through small daily actions
2The biggest challenge ahead isn't keeping up with machines but protecting the fundamental human need to matter in a world where AI may make humans 'not required' for most tasks
3Workplace disengagement isn't laziness — 70% of employees disengage because they don't see how their work makes a difference; connecting people to impact transforms engagement
4Our resilience doesn't come from self-care in isolation but from deep interdependent relationships — we've traded connection for convenience without realizing the cost
5A nightly 30-second practice of asking 'When did I feel valued today?' and 'Where did I add value?' rewires the brain's negativity bias and builds a living record of mattering
Full Transcript
And yet, we can't stop reaching for the past. Vinyl record sales are soaring. Landline phones are back, as are disposable cameras. People are driving for hours to visit Pizza Hut Classics — restaurants that have been redesigned to look exactly as they did in the 1990s with those lamps and the checkered board tablecloths. And remember those big red thick cups filled with Diet Coke and the salad bar? The whole thing? It's all back. So, what is this nostalgia all about? What are we reaching for really? I don't think it's the relics.
What I think we're yearning for is the way we felt all those years ago. We miss the sense of belonging that used to be baked into everyday life. Wednesday card games, big family dinners on Sunday night, the same faces at the same places week after week. We miss the undivided attention we used to get on those plastic landline phones until notifications started pulling us away from each other. We miss a time when being a good neighbor meant looking out for one another, not keeping to ourselves. I believe what we are really nostalgic for is mattering. The feeling that you are valued and that you are adding value to the lives around you.
Most of us here know the word mattering. We use it all the time. But what most people don't know is that mattering is actually a fundamental human need that all of us have. We need to feel valued and know that we add value to the world around us. It's part of our evolutionary inheritance. For our earliest ancestors, being valued by the group meant protection, survival. Being unvalued meant certain death. That ancient wiring is still in us today driving our behaviors. When we feel like we matter, we show up to the world in positive ways. We want to contribute. We want to engage. We want to connect. But when we are made to feel like we don't matter, we suffer. Some of us might become anxious, depressed, numb out on our phones, turn to substances to try to alleviate that pain.
For others, that pain can turn inward. One study of suicidal men looked at the words they most often use to describe their suffering: useless and worthless. These two words capture the heavy weight of feeling like you do not matter. And here's something that is keeping me up at night now. Soon that feeling of uselessness and worthlessness may go out on a scale like we have never seen before. Tech leaders are predicting that within the next 10 years, humans may not be required for most tasks. No wonder we are reaching back for the past. What I believe is that the biggest challenge ahead is not just keeping up with machines but protecting that fundamental human need we all have in this new world that we are rapidly building. How do we make sure that people still know that they matter?
The answer, it turns out, is simpler than you may think. The power of mattering is that it offers both a diagnosis of what is ailing us and a solution. Psychologists measure mattering with a few direct questions: How important are you to others? How much do others pay attention to you? How much would you be missed if you went away? How much do others depend on you? And how much do other people show that they care about you? If your score is close to 20, then you pretty much feel like you matter. But if your score is low, mattering isn't fixed. When our feelings of mattering are low, there are practical things that we can do to raise it.
It starts with four key ingredients that make the foundation for mattering. The first ingredient is Significant — that we are uniquely known and important. The next ingredient is Appreciated — that who we are and what we do make a difference. We also want to feel Invested in — that someone is in our corner and cares about our goals and well-being. Finally, we want to feel Depended on — that we are needed and trusted and that we would be missed. Together they create the acronym SAID, which is easy to remember.
What I found most startling in my research when I asked people to tell me a time when they felt like they mattered — they never talked about life's big moments, the milestone birthday or the big raise or promotion. They always talked about the small everyday moments, like when they were sick and a neighbor came over with a pot of soup, or when a colleague called to check in after a really rough week at work. Mattering lives in the details of our lives. I saw this when a gentleman was being presented an award by his colleagues. But what brought him to tears was what happened after — his colleague pulled out a big jar of M&M's, his go-to late afternoon snack. Those M&M's gave something the plaque couldn't: the knowledge that you are known and loved, quirks and all.
But here's the challenge in our modern world. Our culture makes it harder than ever to show up as our authentic selves. Researchers point to socially prescribed perfectionism — the growing belief that society expects us to be flawless. The theologian Henry Nouwen warned about the beliefs underlying this pressure, what he called the three great lies of society: I am what I have. I am what I do. I am what others think of me. Without even knowing it, we absorb these lies. But it's impossible to truly connect with someone who is hiding behind a perfectionistic facade. Researchers call this the beautiful mess effect — we overestimate how perfect we need to be to be worthy of someone's attention and underestimate how much our flaws actually make us appear more authentic and draw people closer to us.
So here's the takeaway when it comes to feeling significant. If you want to feel it more yourself, let people in. Let them see the real you. Let them glimpse into the messy parts of your life. And if you want someone to feel significant, start by paying close attention to them. Notice what they reach for at 3 p.m. and remember their love of M&M's. Mattering is built through small moments like these.
We all crave social proof that who we are and what we do make a difference. And appreciation is what offers us that proof. But most of us are living at capacity — so much input coming at us, so much output being demanded, that just to get through the day we need to go through life on autopilot. And when you go through life on autopilot, you miss the signals. Workplaces have the potential to be engines of mattering, and yet Gallup finds that 70% of employees report feeling disengaged. Most people don't disengage because they're lazy. They disengage because they don't think what they're doing makes a difference. Pulling back becomes a form of self-protection.
I visited a factory in Phillips, Wisconsin, and saw something unexpected. Workers were tearing up as they described feeling so cared for at work that they were able to come home and be their best selves for their partners and parents. Every workstation had a card of the piece being manufactured and how it fit into the final product, along with a photo and story about the person who would one day use it. That story card was a powerful reminder that they weren't just manufacturing parts — they were building something meaningful. When employees know they matter, they work harder, stay loyal, and bring more energy to their roles. Creating a culture of mattering isn't just the right thing to do for your employees — it's also good business.
We need proof that what we are doing is actually making a difference. I looked at firefighters — people running into burning buildings, risking their lives. A fire chief named Greg told me something surprising: even firefighters can question the impact of their work. As a rookie, he rescued a young woman from a car wreck but never knew what happened to her. Being disconnected from the impact of their efforts fuels burnout, even cynicism. When Greg became fire chief, he built a system that tracked outcomes of rescues because he wanted his firefighters to know when their efforts had saved a life. It's not enough to do important work — we need to know our work makes a difference.
Sometimes all it takes are a few post-it notes. At a New York City nonprofit, social workers' doors were covered with grateful client notes, but the accounting and development office doors were bare. The executive director put up a sign: 'Tell someone how they make a difference.' The notes focused on the doer — their tenacity, their creativity — not just the deed. Staff that were once quiet started speaking up in meetings because they now felt critical to the mission. Employees who receive meaningful and specific feedback are 48% less likely to be job hunting and up to five times more engaged.
What happens at work doesn't stay at work. When people feel undervalued at work, that feeling follows them home — showing up as exhaustion or irritability, straining marriages, interrupting connection with kids. Researchers call this the long arm of the job. But the reverse is also true. When people feel appreciated at work, that feeling travels home with them. A firefighter told me that knowing about the lives he'd helped allowed him to be a more present husband. We all need to stay connected to the impact we make. Sometimes all it takes is closing the loop — a simple text saying 'if it weren't for you.'
We don't have to wait for other people to appreciate us. I started a 30-second practice: when I fall asleep at night, I ask myself two questions. When did I feel valued today? And where did I add value, even in a small way, today? This interrupts our negativity bias — the negative is stickier than the good. This practice trains attention to look for evidence of mattering and reminds me that even on an ordinary Tuesday, I contribute something. Over time, these small moments accumulate into a living record that you are not invisible, not interchangeable, and proof that you do make a difference.
The next ingredient is feeling invested in — the idea that we have someone in our corner. I learned about this from Rayhan, who once dreamed of going pro until a shoulder injury ended that dream. He took a job with the local sanitation department and took pride in keeping his community clean. But he couldn't ignore the way people sometimes looked through him. A mother pointed at him and his colleagues and told her son, 'Don't wind up like those men.' That moment could make anyone question their worth, but Rayhan had people in his corner who kept pushing him to apply to college. They set up a meeting with a dean, made sure he showed up. They didn't just believe in Rayhan — they invested in him.
When we invest in someone else's success, their win begins to feel like our win. Psychologists call it ego extension — the idea that we can extend our sense of self to include the successes of others. Rayhan did well at community college, transferred to the University of Maryland, and eventually went to Harvard Law School. There, he noticed cafeteria workers and custodial staff facing the same invisibility he once did, so he started a letter-writing campaign and created a yearly event where staff are publicly recognized. This is what mattering looks like in action — it spreads. When someone stands in your corner, you learn how to stand in someone's corner, too.
The final ingredient of mattering is feeling depended on. In many ways, we depend on each other so much less than we used to. A woman who earns extra income on a task-for-hire app told me her most frequent requests are small things — putting packages inside so they don't get stolen, cleaning kitty litter for a pregnant woman whose partner was away. Is there no neighbor that can help? We have become so accustomed to outsourcing, so wary of being a burden, that we default to the market before we reach out to one another. These small signals of reliance are not small — they are the building blocks of healthy interdependent relationships. We've traded connection for convenience without knowing what we signed up for.
A woman who had just moved was offered help painting her living room by acquaintances. Her first instinct was to say no — she didn't want to impose. But she said yes, and afterward she told me: 'So fun. We got to know each other, laughed, played music, and had lunch together in her new backyard.' Building healthy interdependent relationships makes us more resilient. Decades of research find that our resilience is not found in isolation — we can't self-care ourselves to resilience. It rests on deep, nourishing relationships that remind us we are significant, appreciated, invested in, and depended on. That we matter.
Just as important as building mattering is noticing the forces that erode it. Psychologists call the shadow side 'anti-mattering' — the active experience of being ignored, dismissed, or treated as unimportant. I saw this on a train ride. A young man, just humiliated on the platform, stormed into the car shouting at everyone and no one. The other passengers shrank down in their seats. Then the conductor approached calmly. 'Is everything okay? Do you need anything?' The man's shoulders dropped. The conductor understood that this man was asking the most fundamental human questions: Do you see me? Do you hear me? Do I matter? And the conductor answered with kindness: Yes, I see you. Yes, you belong right here. Take a seat.
Since that moment on the train — which was actually the impetus for my book — I have tried to live my life more like the conductor. I try to imagine everyone I meet wearing an invisible sign that says, 'Tell me, do I matter?' We can all answer that question with kindness and compassion. We can remind people that they're significant with our eye contact, appreciated by our words of thanks, invested in by rooting them on, and letting them know that we depend on them. And here's the most beautiful part: every time you remind someone how much they matter, we are reminded just how much we matter, too.
During the Q&A, Jennifer addressed how to distinguish genuine mattering from superficial appreciation programs. She emphasized the concept of attunement — truly tuning into somebody, letting them know you see them and care about them. Mattering is not a slogan; it's a felt experience.
On showing educators they matter: young people's sense of mattering rests on the mattering of the adults in their lives. The best thing we can do in a school is prioritize the mattering of all adults — security guards, cafeteria workers, everyone is an educator. She also confirmed that mattering can be designed into systems and organizations, throughout the entire employee experience.
For people who feel they 'matter too much' to others while neglecting themselves, Jennifer offered two practices. First, a daily 30-second check-in while brushing teeth: what is one small need I need to fill today to show up as my best self? Second, she cited a Mayo Clinic study where busy medical professionals who met for just one hour a week for 12 weeks saw drops in cortisol and built deep friendships. Our resilience rests on our relationships — standing at the foot of a hill together makes the incline look less steep.
Jennifer connected her first book 'Never Enough' to mattering research. She found that high-achieving students, once named an at-risk group, were two to six times more likely to suffer from clinical anxiety and depression. The kids doing well were those who felt valued and depended on. She discovered that adult mattering is crucial — children can't have what we don't model. She also highlighted research on intrinsic versus extrinsic values: extrinsic values like status and image are linked to negative mental health, while intrinsic values like being a good neighbor are linked to well-being. We must be deliberate in a culture that profits from activating extrinsic values.
On what holds us back from expressing appreciation: we think people already know, we fear awkwardness, we live at capacity. But research shows people love hearing words of appreciation — it doesn't take much. Jennifer shared the practice of 'giving people their flowers while they're alive.' For parents nurturing mattering, she shared a powerful metaphor: a mother would wrinkle, dirty, and soak a $20 bill, then ask her children how much it was worth now. Like the bill, your value doesn't change — whether you've been knocked down, wrinkled, or soggy inside, your worth is your worth, no matter what.
Source: stt · Language: en · Model: claude-opus-4-6
[(00:00:26)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=26) Heat. Heat. N. Hey. Hey y'all. I'm okay. No. Hey y'all. I'm
[(00:05:12)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=312) Katie Pereira, director of conference strategy at [South by Southwest](https://app.getrecall.ai/item/f89433f4-282d-448c-ac8d-04daf5697b14). And I'm Julia Chhatillo, senior director of [(00:05:18)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=318) South by Southwest edu. And we are so thrilled to welcome you to today's keynote. For the South by Southwest edu [(00:05:25)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=325) crowd in the room, thank you. Thank you for an incredible four days of inspiration, empowerment, curiosity, and [(00:05:33)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=333) community. Thank you for coming on a journey of reimagining with us. Thank you for bringing your energy and heart [(00:05:39)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=339) to Austin and Southwest edu communities together across industries to share space, build meaningful relationships,
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Regardless of what brought you here, check out the South by Southwest edu and the South by Southwest Go apps to see [(00:06:14)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=374) the incredible lineup of events we have planned for the rest of today. And speaking of apps, as a reminder, during
[(00:06:20)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=380) the Q&A, you can ask questions through the engage button in both of the event Go apps. [(00:06:27)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=387) And before we go any further, we want to take a moment to recognize the incredible team of volunteers who make [(00:06:32)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=392) both of our events possible. To the Yes. To all the volunteers in the room, thank you for everything you do. [(00:06:45)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=405) And now to why you're all here this afternoon. Jennifer B. Wallace is an award-winning journalist and
[(00:06:50)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=410) best-selling author. She is the founder of the Mattering Institute, whose mission is to create cultures of [(00:06:54)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=414) mattering in workplaces and communities, as well as the co-founder of the Mattering Movement, a nonprofit [(00:07:00)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=420) organization dedicated to creating cultures of mattering in schools. Jennifer joins us today to discuss her [(00:07:06)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=426)
recently released book, Mattering: The Secret to a Life of Deep Connection and Purpose. She'll explore mattering, the [(00:07:13)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=433) human need to feel value and add value as the secret ingredient to lifelong well-being and the key to deep
[(00:07:20)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=440) connections and purpose. And yet, we can't stop reaching for the past. Vinyl record sales are soaring. [(00:07:33)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=453) Landline phones are back, as are disposable cameras. I saw a bunch of these in the lobby today. [(00:07:41)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=461) People are driving for hours to visit Pizza Hut Classics. Have you heard of these yet? They are restaurants that
[(00:07:50)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=470) have been redesigned to look exactly as they did in the 1990s with those lamps and the checkered board tablecloths. And [(00:08:00)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=480) remember those big red thick cups filled with Diet Coke and the salad bar? The whole thing? It's all back. So, what is [(00:08:11)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=491) this nostalgia all about? Right? What are we reaching for really? I don't think it's the relics.
[(00:08:21)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=501) What I think we're yearning for is the way we felt all those years ago. We miss the sense of belonging that used [(00:08:31)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=511)
to be baked into everyday life. Wednesday card games, big family dinners on Sunday night, the same faces at the [(00:08:41)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=521) same places week after week. We miss the undivided attention we used to get on those plastic landline phones
[(00:08:52)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=532) until notifications started pulling us away from each other. We miss a time when being a good [(00:08:59)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=539) neighbor meant looking out for one another, not keeping to ourselves. I believe what we are really nostalgic [(00:09:09)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=549) for is mattering. The feeling that you are valued and that [(00:09:17)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=557) you are adding value to the lives around you. Most of us here know the word mattering. We use it all the time. But
[(00:09:25)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=565) what most people don't know is that mattering is actually a fundamental human need that all of us have. We need [(00:09:34)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=574) to feel valued and know that we add value to the world around us. It's part of our evolutionary inheritance. So for [(00:09:44)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=584) our earliest ancestors, being valued by the group meant protection, survival. Being knocked out, being unvalued meant [(00:09:54)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=594)
certain death. That ancient wiring is still in us today driving our behaviors. So when we feel like we matter, we show
[(00:10:05)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=605) up to the world in positive ways. We want to contribute. We want to engage. We want to connect. But when we are made [(00:10:13)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=613) to feel like we don't matter, we suffer. Some of us might become anxious, depressed, [(00:10:22)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=622) numb out on our phones, turn to substances to try to alleviate that pain. [(00:10:28)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=628) For others, that pain can turn inward. One study of suicidal men looked at the words they most often use to describe
[(00:10:38)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=638) their suffering. useless and worthless. These two words capture the heavy weight [(00:10:47)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=647) of feeling like you do not matter. And here's something honestly that is keeping me up at night now. [(00:10:56)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=656) Soon that feeling of uselessness and worthlessness may [(00:11:03)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=663) go out on a scale like we have never seen before. Tech leaders are predicting that within the next 10 years, humans
[(00:11:11)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=671) may not be required for most tasks. Humans may not be required for most tasks. It's hard to even visualize. No [(00:11:22)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=682)
wonder we are reaching back for the past. What I believe is this that the biggest [(00:11:29)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=689) challenge ahead is not just keeping up with machines but it is protecting that fundamental human need that we all have [(00:11:38)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=698) in this new world that we are rapidly building. How do we make sure that people still know that they matter?
[(00:11:49)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=709) The answer, it turns out, is simpler than you may think. The power of mattering is that it offers both a [(00:11:58)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=718) diagnosis of what is ailing us and a solution. Psychologists measure mattering with a [(00:12:05)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=725) few direct questions. If you would be open to it and you have a piece of paper or maybe the notes app on your phone, [(00:12:13)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=733) I'd love to go through these questions with you. Um so researchers have people um rating them on a scale from one to
[(00:12:23)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=743) four. One meaning not very much. Four meaning very much. Don't worry, I will not ask you for your scores. Okay, here [(00:12:32)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=752) we go. How important are you to others? How much do others pay attention to you? [(00:12:50)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=770)
How much would you be missed if you went away? How much do others depend on you?
[(00:13:04)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=784) And how much do other people show that they care about you? Now, I'll give you a second to add those [(00:13:13)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=793) up. If your score is close to 20, then you pretty much feel like you matter, [(00:13:31)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=811) right? You're pretty secure in that belief that you matter to others. But if your score is low, I want you to know
[(00:13:38)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=818) something. Mattering isn't fixed. When when our feelings of mattering are low, there are practical things that we [(00:13:47)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=827) can do to raise it. And it starts with four key ingredients that make the foundation for mattering. We'll go [(00:13:58)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=838) through them. The first ingredient is significant. That we are uniquely known and [(00:14:06)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=846) important. The next ingredient is appreciated. that who we are and what we do make a
[(00:14:15)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=855) difference. We also want to feel invested in that someone is in our corner and cares about [(00:14:24)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=864) our goals and well-being. Finally, we want to feel depended on that we are needed and trusted and that [(00:14:33)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=873)
we would be missed. together they they create the acronym SED which I love because it's easy to [(00:14:42)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=882) remember. So, let's go through them. Significant. What I found most startling and
[(00:14:49)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=889) surprising in my research when I asked people, "Tell me a time when you felt like you mattered." They never talked [(00:14:56)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=896) about life's big moments, the milestone birthday or the big raise or promotion. They always talked about the small [(00:15:05)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=905) everyday moments like when they were sick and a neighbor came over with a pot of soup or when a colleague called to [(00:15:14)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=914) check in after a really rough week at work. What I've learned is that as humans we crave to matter in the
[(00:15:21)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=921) everyday to matter in the mundane. Mattering lives in the details of our lives. I saw this when I was uh giving a [(00:15:32)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=932) keynote at a national conference. A gentleman was being presented an award by his colleagues and they were reading [(00:15:39)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=939) off a whole list of accomplishments. It was a very proud moment for him. But what brought him to tears was what [(00:15:48)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=948)
happened after he was handed the award. his colleague reached down from behind the podium and pulled out
[(00:15:56)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=956) a big jar of M&M's. Now, those M&M's were his go-to late afternoon snack and his colleagues saw that. They remembered [(00:16:07)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=967) it. So, those M&M's were able to give something what the plaque couldn't. It was the knowledge. It was saying you are [(00:16:16)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=976) known and loved quirks and all. But here's the challenge in our modern world. Our culture makes it harder than
[(00:16:30)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=990) ever to show up as our authentic selves. Researchers point to something they call socially prescribed perfectionism. [(00:16:41)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1001) It's the growing belief that society expects us to be flawless, that we have to be perfect, to look a certain way, [(00:16:50)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1010) perform at a certain level just to be worthy. Decades ago, the wise theologian Henry [(00:16:57)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1017) Nen warned about the beliefs underlying this pressure. Beliefs that say who we are deep inside
[(00:17:06)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1026) isn't enough. He called them the three great lies of society. I am what I have. [(00:17:14)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1034)
I am what I do. I am what others think of me. Without even knowing it, we absorb these lies. [(00:17:27)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1047) If I am what I have, then I need more. I need to collect more stuff. I need the big house. I need the fancy car, the [(00:17:35)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1055) nice watch. If I am what I do, then I must achieve more, be endlessly productive, be
[(00:17:43)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1063) hitting the next goal. If I am what others say about me, then I must be perfect. [(00:17:55)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1075) But here's the problem. It's impossible to truly connect with someone who is hiding behind a [(00:18:02)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1082) perfectionistic facade. Have you ever tried to put a Post-it note on a glossy surface? I have. And it slides right [(00:18:11)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1091) off. That's because the Post-it note needs something to grip some some kind of um texture. Relationships are that
[(00:18:21)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1101) way, too. It's when people see the messy parts of us that they have something to bond [(00:18:30)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1110) with, to connect to. Researchers have a name for this. They call it the beautiful mess effect or the idea that [(00:18:37)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1117)
we overestimate how perfect we need to be to be worthy of someone's attention and underestimate how much our flaws, [(00:18:47)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1127) the messy parts inside of us, actually make us appear more authentic and draws people closer to us. So, here's the
[(00:18:55)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1135) takeaway when it comes to feeling significant. If you want to feel it more yourself, [(00:19:02)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1142) let people in. Let them see the real you. Let them glimpse into the messy parts of your life. And if you want [(00:19:10)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1150) someone to feel significant, start by paying close attention to them. Notice what they reach for at 3 p.m. And [(00:19:20)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1160) remember their love of M&M's. Mattering is built through small moments like these. And that's what brings us to
[(00:19:29)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1169) the next ingredient to the said framework. Appreciated. We all crave social proof that who we [(00:19:37)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1177) are and what we do make a difference. And appreciation is what offers us that proof. [(00:19:45)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1185) So why don't we feel it more? And why don't we give people words of appreciation more? [(00:19:52)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1192)
I think it's because most of us are living at capacity. We have so much input coming at us right
[(00:19:59)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1199) now. The news, work, deadlines, notifications, and so much output being demanded of us that just to get through [(00:20:08)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1208) our to-do list, just to get through the day, we need to go through life on autopilot. [(00:20:14)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1214) But here's the thing. When you go through life on autopilot, you miss the signals. the signals that someone is [(00:20:21)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1221) appreciating you and the signal that you can send that you appreciate someone else. [(00:20:28)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1228) You can see the consequences of this most acutely at work. This kind of disconnection. Workplaces have the
[(00:20:37)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1237) potential to be engines of mattering. And yet so often they do the opposite. Today, Gallup finds that 70% of [(00:20:48)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1248) employees report feeling disengaged. 70%. What I have found in my research is that [(00:20:57)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1257) most people don't disengage because they're lazy. They disengage because they don't think [(00:21:03)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1263) what they're doing makes a difference. Pulling back becomes a form of self-p protection, a kind of coping strategy.
[(00:21:14)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1274)
Think of it this way. It hurts less to withdraw your effort than it does to keep pouring energy into a place that [(00:21:23)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1283) makes you feel invisible. But I've also seen workplaces that get this right, that get appreciation and [(00:21:34)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1294) mattering right. For example, I visited a factory in Phillips, Wisconsin, and I saw something that I did not expect. [(00:21:43)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1303) Workers were tearing up as they described feeling so cared for at work that they were able to come home at the
[(00:21:52)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1312) end of a long shift and be their best selves for their partners and their parents. Here's one simple thing that [(00:22:01)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1321) management did to let their workers know they mattered. Every workstation on that factory floor had a card of the piece [(00:22:11)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1331) being manufactured and how it fit into the final product. On that same card was a photo and a story about the person who
[(00:22:22)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1342) would one day use it. That story card acted as a powerful reminder to the workers that they weren't just [(00:22:30)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1350)
manufacturing parts. They were building something meaningful that other people were betting their livelihoods on. [(00:22:40)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1360) I saw mattering at work in many places with creative teams, tech entrepreneurs, finance executives, and educators. [(00:22:49)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1369) Different industries with different kinds of pressures. But these organizations had arrived at the same
[(00:22:57)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1377) fundamental truth that when employees know they matter, they work harder, they stay loyal and they bring more energy to [(00:23:07)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1387) their roles. Feeling valued is a driver of engagement and engagement is one of the best pred [(00:23:16)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1396) predictors of productivity, innovation and profit. In other words, creating a culture of [(00:23:25)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1405) mattering isn't just the right thing to do for your employees. It's also good business.
[(00:23:32)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1412) Now, while feeling appreciated at work is important, it's not the whole story. We need proof. We need evidence that [(00:23:42)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1422) what we are doing is actually making a difference. And this is true, I have found, in even deeply purposeful jobs. [(00:23:51)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1431)
In my research, I looked for people who were working in careers where undoubtedly they were making a [(00:23:58)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1438) difference. Firefighters, right? These are people running into burning buildings, risking
[(00:24:06)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1446) their lives to save us. Of course, they know they matter. I met a fire chief named Greg from South Carolina. [(00:24:15)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1455) And he told me something surprising that even firefighters can question the impact of their work. [(00:24:25)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1465) How can this be? I remember saying to him and Greg explained with a story. When he was a rookie, he and his crew [(00:24:34)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1474) were called to a car wreck. A young woman was trapped inside. Greg rushed into the car wreck, found a
[(00:24:43)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1483) an opening, slid through to put his heavy bunker coat around her to shield her from the glass and the debris as the [(00:24:51)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1491) jaws of life worked to free her. Greg stayed by her side and tried to steady her through every jolt, reassuring her [(00:25:00)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1500) that they were going to get her out. And they did. And then EMS took over. And that's where the story ended for [(00:25:08)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1508)
Greg and his crew. They would never know what happened next. Did their efforts do anything? Did the woman ever walk again?
[(00:25:17)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1517) Did she make it out of the hospital? Greg told me that being so disconnected from the impact of their efforts, from [(00:25:26)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1526) knowing the end of the story, it fuels burnout, even cynicism. So when Greg became fire chief, he [(00:25:36)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1536) changed that. He built a system that tracked the outcomes of rescues because he wanted his firefighters to know when [(00:25:46)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1546) their efforts had saved a life or eased someone's suffering. Because Greg knew something vital that it's not enough to
[(00:25:56)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1556) do important work. We need to know our work makes a difference. Sometimes [(00:26:04)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1564) all it takes to let people know they matter are a few post-it notes. I saw this in a New York City nonprofit I [(00:26:13)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1573) visited. The social workers there, their doors were covered with post-it notes of grateful clients. Things like, "Thank [(00:26:23)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1583) you for listening to me when no one else would." or "You saved our family." But just down the hall, the doors to the
[(00:26:33)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1593)
accounting and development office were bare. These were people doing the critical [(00:26:40)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1600) work behind the scenes to keep this organization running smoothly. The executive director noticed this [(00:26:47)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1607) disconnect and did something about it. At the front door, she put up a sign, tell someone how they make a difference [(00:26:57)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1617) with a and and she started with her own assistant, Becky. Becky, thank you for keeping this organization running
[(00:27:05)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1625) smoothly. Because of your skills, we are able to serve so many more families. Pretty soon, more Post-it notes [(00:27:14)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1634) appeared. Thanks to Mark in accounting, because of your tenacity, we found the money to keep that family in their [(00:27:23)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1643) apartment development team. Because of your creativity, 500 young people will have [(00:27:31)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1651) warm winter coats this year. Importantly, those notice focus those notes focused on the doer, their
[(00:27:40)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1660) tenacity, their creativity, not just the deed. They helped people see that who they [(00:27:47)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1667)
were, not just what they did, made a difference. The executive director told me that staff that were once quiet, [(00:27:55)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1675) started speaking up in meetings because they now felt critical to the mission. I've come to think of this as helping [(00:28:06)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1686) people connect the dots in their life. connect. Drawing a line from who someone is tenacious, creative
[(00:28:16)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1696) to who they help, the clients to the difference they make. This family that they were able to find the funding [(00:28:25)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1705) will not have to struggle and suffer from the trauma of homelessness. The effects of this kind of recognition [(00:28:34)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1714) is measurable. Employees who receive meaningful and specific feedback are 48% less likely to be job hunting
[(00:28:47)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1727) and up to five times more engaged in their work. What happens at work doesn't stay at [(00:28:57)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1737) work. By a quick show of hands, how many of you have ever felt the stress from work [(00:29:05)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1745) spill over into your personal lives? Yeah, me too. When people feel undervalued, [(00:29:16)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1756) overlooked at work, that feeling follows them home. It shows up at the kitchen table
[(00:29:26)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1766)
as feeling exhausted or irritable. It can strain marriages. It can interrupt our connection with our kids. [(00:29:36)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1776) It can even harm our health. Researchers call this the long arm of the job. [(00:29:45)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1785) But here's the hopeful part that the reverse is also true. When people feel appreciated at work, that feeling [(00:29:54)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1794) travels home with them, too. One firefighter told me that knowing about the lives he'd helped allowed him to be
[(00:30:01)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1801) a more present husband. A product engineer at that factory I visited in Wisconsin told me that feeling valued at [(00:30:10)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1810) work gave her the emotional bandwidth to be the parent she wanted to be. We all need to stay connected to the [(00:30:21)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1821) impact we make, including in our personal lives. Sometimes all it takes is remembering to [(00:30:28)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1828) close the loop. Remember that advice you gave me last week? I took it and guess what happened or sending a simple text
[(00:30:38)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1838) to someone in our lives. If it weren't for you, if it weren't for you, I wouldn't have had the courage to go for [(00:30:45)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1845)
that job interview. If it weren't for you, that day in the emergency room would have felt [(00:30:52)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1852) unbearable. And here's a little secret. We don't have to wait for other people [(00:31:00)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1860) to appreciate us. We can start noticing it in our own lives. I actually started since researching this book, I've
[(00:31:09)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1869) started a little 30-se secondond practice. I'm not a consistent or good journaler, but I am consistent at doing [(00:31:16)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1876) this. So, when I fall asleep at night, I ask myself two questions. When did I feel valued today? And where [(00:31:28)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1888) did I add value even in a small way today? I do this because we are all wired with [(00:31:36)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1896) what psychologists call a negativity bias which means the negative is stickier than the good. That mistake,
[(00:31:45)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1905) that rudeness, the criticism that gets stuck into our minds and all the positive ways that we could be feeling [(00:31:53)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1913) valued or adding value slide right through us. So what I have found is that this quick 30 second practice [(00:32:02)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1922)
interrupts that pattern. It trains my attention to look for evidence of mattering and it reminds me that even on [(00:32:12)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1932) an ordinary Tuesday I contribute something. Over time these small moments
[(00:32:20)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1940) accumulate. It becomes a kind of living record that you are not invisible, that you are not interchangeable [(00:32:29)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1949) and proof that you do make a difference. And that leads us to the next ingredient of the said framework invested in the [(00:32:38)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1958) idea that we have someone in our corner. If you know boxing, and I didn't before researching this book, but if you know [(00:32:47)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1967) boxing, you know the critical role of the corner man, the person in the corner of the ring who is there to wrap the
[(00:32:55)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1975) fighter's hands, look them in the eye when they are exhausted and tell them what they need to hear. You've got this. [(00:33:05)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1985) I learned about the power of cornmen from a gentleman I interviewed named Rayhan for my book. Rayhan once dreamed [(00:33:14)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=1994) of going pro until a shoulder injury ended that dream. After high school, he took a job with [(00:33:23)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2003)
the local sanitation department and he took pride in keeping his community clean.
[(00:33:31)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2011) But he couldn't ignore the way people sometimes looked through him when he was in his uniform. He felt invisible [(00:33:40)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2020) and sometimes he felt worse than invisible. He recalled a story of overhearing a [(00:33:48)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2028) mother talking to her son as they were walking by Rayhon and his colleagues. She pointed at them and she said, "Don't [(00:33:56)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2036) wind up like those men." A moment like that could make anyone question their worth, but it didn't
[(00:34:07)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2047) because Rayhan had people in his corner who reminded him of his worth. They knew the dignity of their work, but [(00:34:20)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2060) they also knew that Rayhan had a dream to go to college. And so they kept pushing him to apply. When he brushed it [(00:34:29)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2069) off, they didn't. At one point, they even took matters into their own hands, set up a meeting with a dean at a local
[(00:34:37)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2077) community college, made sure Rayhon showed up, made sure he had everything he needed. Um, in other words, they [(00:34:47)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2087)
didn't just believe in Rahan, they invested in him. And here's the wonderful part about that kind of [(00:34:55)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2095) investment. It doesn't just change the person being invested in, it also changes the person giving that [(00:35:03)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2103) investment. When we invest in someone else's success, their win begins to feel like
[(00:35:11)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2111) our win. Their growth like our growth. Psychologists have a name for it. They call it ego extension. The idea that we [(00:35:20)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2120) can extend our egos to include the egos, the successes of others. It helps us to grow beyond ourselves. [(00:35:30)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2130) And that's what cornermen understand that they may not be in the ring but they can feel that victory as well. [(00:35:40)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2140) With the help of many cornermen in his life, Rayhan did well at that community college. So well that he transferred to
[(00:35:49)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2149) the University of Maryland where he also did really really well. And eventually from there he went on to Harvard Law [(00:35:58)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2158) School. When Ray Han arrived on campus, he noticed something familiar. [(00:36:06)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2166)
Uh he noticed the cafeteria workers and the custodial staff were facing that same sense of invisibility that he once [(00:36:14)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2174) did. So he did something about it. He recruited some of his friends and they started a letterw writing campaign
[(00:36:23)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2183) appreciating how the staff were making campus life so much better. Then they took it a step further and they created [(00:36:31)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2191) this yearly which still happens this yearly event where staff members are publicly recognized by students and [(00:36:38)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2198) other faculty members. This is what mattering looks like in action. It spreads when someone stands in your [(00:36:47)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2207) corner. You learn how to stand in someone's corner, too. And that's how mattering multiplies.
[(00:36:59)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2219) But always a butt. But in our hyperindividualistic world, it can be hard to accept that [(00:37:07)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2227) kind of help, to acknowledge just how much we need other people. But if you're reluctant, like I once [(00:37:16)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2236) was, to accept that kind of help, remember that you are giving something to your corner men, too. [(00:37:25)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2245)
the feeling of being needed, the sense that their life is making a difference in yours. And that brings us to the
[(00:37:34)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2254) final ingredient of mattering, feeling depended on. In many ways, we depend on each other so [(00:37:42)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2262) much less than we used to. And that's the part of the nostalgia that I feel most deeply. I remember neighbors who [(00:37:51)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2271) when we went on vacation would go into our house to feed our goldfish or after a storm would check in to make sure [(00:37:59)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2279) everything was okay and that the lights were still on. But things have changed, right? I spoke
[(00:38:07)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2287) with a woman who earns extra income uh on a popular task for hire app. At first, I assumed that most of her [(00:38:17)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2297) jobs job requests would be big ones like helping someone unpack after a move or moving heavy furniture. [(00:38:26)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2306) She shook her head no. She said the most frequent requests she gets are small things like putting someone's packages [(00:38:36)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2316) inside so they don't get stolen or a woman who reached out to her to help her clean the kitty litter in her house
[(00:38:45)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2325)
while her partner was away because she was pregnant and she didn't want to risk getting sick. And I couldn't help [(00:38:52)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2332) thinking, is there no neighbor that can get those packages and slip them into the garage? Is there no friend that [(00:39:00)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2340) could stop by for five minutes after work and help that pregnant woman with her cat? [(00:39:08)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2348) We have become so accustomed to outsourcing, so wary of being a burden to our
[(00:39:17)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2357) friends, to our family, that we default to the market before we reach out to one another. [(00:39:25)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2365) But these seemingly small asks, these seemingly small signals of reliance are not small. They [(00:39:35)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2375) are the building blocks of healthy interdependent relationships. They are how friendships form, how teams [(00:39:46)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2386) bond, how neighbors build a neighborhood. In many ways, we've traded connection
[(00:39:56)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2396) for convenience without even knowing what we were signing up for. Now, don't get me wrong. I love convenience. When I [(00:40:04)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2404) am busy on a deadline, the idea that I can get my pack my my food delivered to me is a lifeline. [(00:40:12)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2412)
But I've noticed something happening in my own life that with all this efficiency, I have become less tolerant [(00:40:21)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2421) of friction. The small everyday inconveniences that are just a part of going through
[(00:40:29)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2429) life with other people. A woman I interviewed said she felt this tension recently, too. She had just [(00:40:37)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2437) moved to a new house and acquaintances of hers offered to help her paint her living room on a Saturday afternoon. [(00:40:47)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2447) What a nice offer, right? Uh really generous. Except this woman's first instinct was to say [(00:40:55)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2455) no. No, thank you. No. She didn't want to impose. She also didn't want, you know, the discomfort that could come
[(00:41:02)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2462) from having to make small talk all day with these people that she didn't know very well. But remember that connection [(00:41:09)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2469) that we feel so nostalgic for, it's built in moments exactly like this. So, she did wind up saying yes. And after [(00:41:20)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2480) the painting party, I asked her how it went. So fun, she said. We got to know each [(00:41:27)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2487)
other. We laughed, played music, and we even had lunch together in her new backyard.
[(00:41:36)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2496) Building healthy, interdependent relationships like this, they don't just make us feel good, they make us more [(00:41:45)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2505) reliant, they make us, they fortify us. Decades, decades of research find this, that our resilience is not found in [(00:41:55)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2515) isolation. We can't self-care ourselves to resilience. [(00:42:02)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2522) It rests on relationships. Deep, nourishing relationships that remind us that we are significant,
[(00:42:12)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2532) appreciated, invested in, and depended on, that we matter. [(00:42:20)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2540) Just as important as building a sense of mattering in the people that we care about is noticing and protecting against [(00:42:29)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2549) the forces that erode it. Sometimes it happens in very small ways. Scrolling through your phone while your partner is [(00:42:37)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2557) talking to you or cancelling on friends again. Other times it's bigger. your boss
[(00:42:45)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2565) berates you in front of the team or dismisses your input in front of a client. [(00:42:53)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2573)
Or it could be even worse as we're seeing. You could find out that you've been laid off by a mass email or being [(00:43:02)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2582) locked out of your account or your key card not working instead of a conversation. [(00:43:10)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2590) These moments send a very powerful signal that you do not matter here. In other words, mattering is double-edged.
[(00:43:21)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2601) Protective when we feel it and destructive when we don't. Psychologists actually have a name for [(00:43:30)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2610) this shadow side of mattering. It's called antimattering. It's the active experience of being [(00:43:38)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2618) ignored, dismissed, or treated as unimportant. I once saw this play out on a train [(00:43:47)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2627) ride. I was on my train back into New York City from a reporting trip and a gentleman, a young gentleman,
[(00:43:57)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2637) stormed into the train car. He had just been humiliated by someone on the platform and that person was gone. But [(00:44:06)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2646) his anger remained and followed him into the car. He was shouting at everyone and no one. His chest was heaving. The rest [(00:44:16)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2656)
of the people on the train car started sort of going down into their seats, you know, avoiding eye contact, you know, [(00:44:25)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2665) partly out of fear of what might happen, but also because his rage, his anger was so much to experience.
[(00:44:34)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2674) And then suddenly the conductor approached the man calmly, slowly. [(00:44:42)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2682) He said to him, "Is everything okay? Do you need anything?" I could see the gentleman's shoulders, [(00:44:51)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2691) which were raised, drop down. He let out a sigh of relief. And then the conductor pointed to him, pointed a chair, and [(00:45:00)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2700) gently asked for his ticket. Despite the conductor being so much smaller than the man in every way, he
[(00:45:08)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2708) had a kind of grounding effect on him. That's because the conductor understood that this man in his own chaotic way was [(00:45:21)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2721) asking the most fundamental human questions. Do you see me? Do you hear me? Do I [(00:45:31)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2731) matter? And this conductor answered him with kindness and compassion.
[(00:45:40)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2740) Yes, I hear you. Yes, I see you. Yes, you belong right here. Take a seat. Since that moment on the train, which [(00:45:53)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2753)
was actually the impetus for my book, Mattering. I have tried to live my life more like [(00:46:00)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2760) the conductor on that train. I try to imagine everyone I meet wearing an invisible sign that says, "Tell me, do I
[(00:46:11)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2771) matter?" We can all answer that question, with kindness and compassion. We can remind [(00:46:20)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2780) people that they're significant with our eye contact, appreciated by our words of thanks, invested in by rooting them on [(00:46:30)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2790) and letting them know that we depend on them. And here's the most beautiful part of [(00:46:38)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2798) this is that every time you remind someone how much they matter, we are reminded just how much we matter,
[(00:46:49)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2809) too. Thank you all so much. I am so excited that now I'm going to be able to get [(00:46:57)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2817) some of your questions. So, I hope you have been typing them in. gonna give it a minute. Thank you guys. Thank you. [(00:47:09)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2829) Okay. Okay. Oh my gosh, there are so many great questions. How do you distinguish [(00:47:18)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2838) between genuine mattering and superficial appreciation programs? So, 100% great question. Mattering is not a
[(00:47:30)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2850)
slogan. It is a felt experience. So how do you do that? I talk about this concept of attunement. [(00:47:40)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2860) Attunement I like to think about you know those old radio uh signals um you know those those radio dials in the car [(00:47:49)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2869) where where you would sip through it to get the signal. That's what it means to tune into somebody. So it's letting them [(00:47:57)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2877) know that you see them, that you care about them like that conductor, right? But we could do that with appreciation.
[(00:48:02)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2882) So that's the diff that is the difference. How do we show educators that they matter in the current [(00:48:09)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2889) environment? Yes, another fabulous question. Um I have a whole chapter in the book on mattering about the [(00:48:16)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2896) importance of resilience for educators, for anybody who's on the front lines right now of raising our kids and [(00:48:24)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2904) keeping our communities in many ways together. What I have found in the research is that young people's sense of
[(00:48:32)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2912) mattering, student mattering, rests on the mattering of the adults in their lives. So the best thing we can do in a [(00:48:40)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2920)
school is to prioritize the mattering of the adults in that school. And I consider everyone in a school to be an [(00:48:49)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2929) educator. The security guard is an educator. The woman who works in the cafeteria is an educator. focus on the [(00:48:57)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2937) said framework, make sure they feel significant, appreciated, invested in, and depended on. And I have lots of ways
[(00:49:04)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2944) to do that more in depth in the book. Um, okay, here we go. Uh, hold on, let me get my glasses. [(00:49:16)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2956) Okay. Is mattering something that can be designed into systems and organizations? Yes, this is exactly what I am doing [(00:49:24)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2964) right now. This is the the book is talking about relationships but towards the end I talk about how we can create [(00:49:31)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2971) third spaces also known as third places that can foster this sense of mattering that we can create systems and actually
[(00:49:40)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2980) there are companies that do this wonderfully throughout the employee experience to make sure that they know [(00:49:46)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2986)
they matter from the minute they come in to moving through and even when they leave even moving out the importance of [(00:49:55)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=2995) employee mattering when they are departing either by choice or not by charge choice. Absolutely. Okay. Um [(00:50:05)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3005) Oh, what advice do you have for people who feel like they matter too much and are too dependent on?
[(00:50:12)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3012) Good question. I would argue that that is not true mattering. [(00:50:20)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3020) True mattering is balancing your own needs with the needs of others. And when we are leaders, educators, parents, [(00:50:33)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3033) maybe caregivers of elderly parents or relatives, we could feel like we matter so much to everybody else's needs, but [(00:50:41)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3041) our needs are never prioritized. And so I have two pieces of advice for this. The first piece of advice, and this is
[(00:50:49)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3049) something that I've had to train myself to do because I was terrible at mattering. I call it mattering to [(00:50:56)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3056) ourselves, and that is when I brush my teeth every day for 30 seconds. This is I always do things in 30 secondond [(00:51:04)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3064)
increments. I ask myself, what is one small need that I need to fill today so I could show up as my best self for the [(00:51:14)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3074) people who are depending on me? It might be today I need a 45minute call with my sister or it might mean that I have to
[(00:51:23)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3083) go and uh go for a walk in Central Park. I live in New York so it's not that big of a need. Um or it might mean that I [(00:51:31)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3091) need to spoil myself like a grandmother would. I think about that not mothering myself but how would I grandmother [(00:51:38)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3098) myself? How what would I do? I would I would sit with the coziest blanket, read a novel, eat extra chocolate. What is it [(00:51:45)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3105) that I need to do? And again, it's just these things for prioritizing our needs. It's just a 30 minute need in the day.
[(00:51:54)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3114) But here's the other thing that I want to say that need. We need to prioritize that need. It radically prioritize it. [(00:52:02)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3122) Don't wait until everyone else's needs have been met. Really find that time for you. And then here's the second part and [(00:52:08)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3128)
this is research that was conducted out of the Mayo Clinic and has since been replicated. So it was a study done of [(00:52:17)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3137) busy medical professionals who were also mothers. [(00:52:23)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3143) They were reporting low levels of well-being, high levels of stress. So researchers tried a simple intervention.
[(00:52:31)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3151) They had the women meet for just one hour a week for 12 weeks to support each other and feel seen and heard. The [(00:52:40)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3160) groups were like of five or six people and one hour they were seen, they were heard, they felt valued. After the 12 [(00:52:48)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3168) weeks, not one woman dropped out despite their hectic schedules. Another woman reported that she was surprised at how [(00:52:55)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3175) deep you can build these friendships in just one hour a week. um their cortisol levels the stress [(00:53:00)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3180) hormone had dropped. So what I know is that from decades worth of resilience and I mentioned this in the talk our
[(00:53:09)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3189) resilience rests on the resilience and the depth and support of our relationships. I want you to think about [(00:53:15)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3195)
this one other study. Two people were standing at the foot of a hill. Researchers were asking them to [(00:53:22)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3202) judge the incline. The incline did not look as steep when they were standing there together as it did when they were [(00:53:29)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3209) standing at the foot of the hill alone. Relationships make life feel less steep. So if you [(00:53:38)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3218) feel like you are mattering too much, find a way to prioritize one small need a day at least and find one or two
[(00:53:49)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3229) people in your life who give you that feeling of feeling seen and heard and cared for the way we try [(00:53:57)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3237) to do for the people that we are supporting. Okay, back to my glasses. Um, [(00:54:07)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3247) how did your findings from mattering reframe your main takeaways from never enough? Ah, good question. So, when I [(00:54:15)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3255) was reporting Never Enough, that's my first book. Um, and I started reporting on it seven years ago. I was looking at
[(00:54:22)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3262) the youth mental health crisis and I was reporting on specifically in that book high achieving students which in 2019 [(00:54:31)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3271)
had been officially named an atrisisk group from two national policy reports the [Robert Wood Johnson Foundation](https://app.getrecall.ai/item/8cffb869-03ad-4660-83c7-b2ad682982c4) and [(00:54:38)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3278) the nationalmies of sciences these are kids who were going to wellresourced public and private schools and the [(00:54:45)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3285) researchers were finding that they were two to six times more likely to suffer from clinical levels of anxiety and
[(00:54:53)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3293) depression and two to three times more likely to suffer from substance abuse disorder than the average American teen. [(00:55:00)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3300) So I went and I was searching for the kids who were doing well and it boiled down to mattering that those were the [(00:55:05)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3305) kids who felt valued and were relied on and dependent on to add value back. What I didn't realize when I was first [(00:55:13)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3313) researching that book was just how important adult mattering was to the health of [(00:55:20)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3320) those young people. I would be going on my reporting trips and as I was, you know, talking about the youth in the
[(00:55:26)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3326) family and I'd be putting together my my bag and the parents would say to me, you know, I have that never enough feeling, [(00:55:35)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3335)
too. I work at a major hospital. I'm a head of a department and I feel crushed by the system. Or a dad in finance. I [(00:55:44)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3344) remember him saying to me, I'm sorry if I'm a little out of it. I was up all night because a deal I had been working [(00:55:49)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3349) on for two years. Major something major happened to it yesterday and I was left purposely off the email making a
[(00:55:57)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3357) decision despite the fact that it was my deal. Um, educators were talking about how unappreciated [(00:56:05)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3365) they felt. um you know in in their workplaces both at a national level but also at a local level. And so what I [(00:56:14)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3374) realized pretty quickly was that we adults our children can't have what we don't have. We need to model mattering [(00:56:24)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3384) and there are so many things today that have eroded this sense of mattering. Um you know we talked a little bit about it
[(00:56:32)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3392) today. It's the we used to know our neighbors. Um, we used to, you know, I'm not saying religion is a panacea, but it [(00:56:40)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3400)
was a place where we were relied on to show up. Uh, it was a place that we could talk about intrinsic values. I [(00:56:47)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3407) mean, that's the other I'll tell you the other big finding for me was how much our values impact our well-being. [(00:56:56)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3416) So I'll give you just a quick little because I I found this fascinating that no matter where we live in the world, we
[(00:57:02)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3422) roughly have the same core values. Researchers study them by separating them into [(00:57:09)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3429) exttrinsic values. Things like wanting the high status job, the big house, a certain image, popularity, and intrinsic [(00:57:18)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3438) values. things like wanting to be a good neighbor, wanting to be a good friend, wanting to grow spiritually, wanting to [(00:57:25)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3445) be good to the environment. Values operate like a zero sum game. So the more time and energy we spend
[(00:57:33)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3453) pursuing extrinsic values, those materialistic goals, the less room we have in our life for pursuing the [(00:57:41)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3461) intrinsic values. And here's why this matters. Because extrinsic values are linked with negative mental health and [(00:57:50)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3470)
substance abuse disorder, whereas intrinsic values are linked with the well-being we want for ourselves and for [(00:57:56)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3476) our kids. And it is not that people in high achieving communities don't have good values.
[(00:58:04)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3484) It's that their extrinsic values are constantly being activated in their environment. And so one of the things [(00:58:12)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3492) that I really learned in researching the first book and applying it to the second book was how deliberate we have to be in [(00:58:20)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3500) our daily lives. Right? We are living in a culture that makes so much money off of activating those extrinsic values. [(00:58:27)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3507) Wanting us to care about our image, our popularity, um selling us the idea that as I talked [(00:58:33)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3513) about Henry Nen's, you know, you only matter when this sort of contingent mattering as they call it. And so we
[(00:58:40)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3520) have to be really intentional about being mindful of intrinsic pursuits to protect our well-being. So anyway, [(00:58:49)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3529) that's a really long answer to that question. Sorry about that. Okay, let's see. Um, you mentioned being at capacity [(00:58:57)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3537)
as a barrier to expressing words of appreciation. What else holds us back from this? So there's lots of really [(00:59:04)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3544) good research, gratitude research that there's a funny study that was done by it was report it was sponsored by the
[(00:59:13)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3553) [John Templeton Foundation](https://app.getrecall.ai/item/2c309b3e-7881-43bd-aa67-0883c2921407) and they found that we are more likely to thank the TSA person than we are our spouses. [(00:59:24)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3564) So So um what holds us back? Number one, capacity. Number two, we think our [(00:59:33)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3573) spouse already knows how much we appreciate them. Number three, when we're appreciating a colleague or [(00:59:39)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3579) somebody else, we we think that it might be embarrassing to tell them how much we appreciate them. So, all of these
[(00:59:48)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3588) factors really are are the things that that hold us back. Um there was this a wonderful study done where people were [(00:59:55)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3595) asked to write letters of appreciation to someone in their life. the person writing the letter was asked, you know, [(01:00:02)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3602) how do you think it's going to be um taken by the, you know, by the receiver and the people would say, it could be [(01:00:09)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3609)
like awkward to receive this letter after all this time from me. And actually, it wasn't. People loved [(01:00:16)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3616) hearing about the words of appreciation. They love being reminded that they matter. And it doesn't take much. I have
[(01:00:24)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3624) found that now I I sort of make this a practice. Somebody I interviewed called it giving people their flowers while [(01:00:32)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3632) they're alive, right? It's it's letting people know what you admire about them. There was um a tweet that I read once um [(01:00:42)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3642) by a professor at USC, Christopher Edmund, and I'm going to mess this up, but it's something like um when you see [(01:00:50)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3650) the magic in someone, let them know. Your words may be what unlocks a vision of themselves that they didn't even
[(01:01:00)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3660) have. So word presence, that's what somebody else talked about, giving people word [(01:01:06)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3666) presence. I think about this as Mother's Day is coming up. What do mothers actually want? They want to know they [(01:01:13)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3673) matter. They want to know that we want to know that all of the work we have done matters. [(01:01:21)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3681)
So think about that the next time you you want to hold back because you're feeling like it could be a little [(01:01:27)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3687) awkward. I promise you it makes such an impact. Okay. Um do you feel corporate 360 assessments
[(01:01:37)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3697) help or hurt the endeavor of creating mattering in the workplace? Okay. I think that this needs to be put into [(01:01:44)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3704) the context of what kind of workplace is this? Is this a workplace where you are afraid to speak up? Is there is this a [(01:01:52)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3712) workplace that promotes hyper competition? So just to or is this a workplace that [(01:02:00)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3720) is an environment that is invested in your growth? So I have come this I'll tell you a little funny story. So I was
[(01:02:08)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3728) writing my first article for the science section of the Washington Post and my editor was this famed editor Pooh [(01:02:16)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3736) Shapiro. Fabulous editor, my first time working with her. I wrote the article. Now I'm going to fast forward to [(01:02:23)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3743) something later that night. My daughter comes home with her first graded paper and she fancied herself a good writer [(01:02:30)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3750)
and it was written all, you know, red marks all over from the teacher and she said, "I'm so upset. I thought I was a [(01:02:35)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3755) good writer." And I marched her over to my desk and I said, "Look at this article I just got back from my editor.
[(01:02:41)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3761) There were red marks all over it." She went, "They let you write for them?" And I said, I said, "I will admit that I was [(01:02:49)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3769) initially embarrassed to need this much support. I'm a professional journalist." But then I realized that this esteemed [(01:02:58)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3778) editor was investing in me. She saw something in me and I would go on to write many more articles with her. So if [(01:03:06)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3786) 360deree reviews are framed as we are here to invest in you, we believe in you. That I
[(01:03:17)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3797) have to tell you my word, you know the words of uh uh love languages, my love language is critical feedback because [(01:03:26)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3806) honestly I know my husband's like really? I'm like, "No, it is because critical feedback lets me know that [(01:03:34)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3814)
people care about me enough to say the hard thing." So, 360 reviews could actually be a source of mattering if [(01:03:43)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3823) it's done within a context, a culture of mattering. Okay. How do we know when we've done enough as
[(01:03:50)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3830) a society to increase mattering? Another great question. So I argue in the book that the loneliness, [(01:04:00)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3840) the anxiety, the polarization, um the hyper competition, the zero sum [(01:04:10)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3850) game mentality. These are all rooted in this idea that mattering is not being met. [(01:04:18)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3858) When mattering is met, you thrive. So how will we know? We will know that everyone's basic needs have been met.
[(01:04:27)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3867) Food, shelter, and mattering. Okay. Um, showing people that they matter [(01:04:38)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3878) should be authentic. But is there value in faking it till you making it? Till you make it. In other words, in trying [(01:04:45)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3885) with others or yourself first? I like this idea. I haven't thought about this, but I'm going to think out [(01:04:51)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3891) loud with you. So my daughter who's introverted before she goes out to do she's going to
[(01:04:59)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3899)
college soon and so she's meeting a bunch of new people and I was standing by the elevator with her and she was [(01:05:03)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3903) like I am going to fake being an extrovert today and I was like great and she's been faking it so much that she's [(01:05:10)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3910) actually built up the skills to be an extrovert. So, I would say in terms of mattering to yourself, I think [(01:05:18)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3918) practicing loving kindness, being kind to yourself, even if you're not buying it at first, but saying to yourself, you [(01:05:25)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3925) know what? I'm going to prioritize you right now. We're going to sit on that couch. We're going to put a little timer
[(01:05:31)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3931) out here for 30 minutes. Pick your favorite book. Let's get the softest blanket. Let's get a delicious cup of [(01:05:36)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3936) tea. And you are going to prioritize yourself right now. And I think once you start because I will tell you this is [(01:05:43)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3943) strange but in re before researching the book I did not prior prioritize my needs and now I know how much more I'm able to [(01:05:51)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3951)
show up for people when I do. So I think when it comes to mattering to yourself yeah let's see let's do this collective [(01:06:00)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3960) experiment and see if faking it till you make it works. Okay. Um, how do parents nurture mattering for
[(01:06:11)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3971) their young children and themselves? There are lots of ways. I'm going to tell you about uh something that a [(01:06:19)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3979) mother So, let me back up. I've come to believe in my research that modern parents today play a very unique and [(01:06:28)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3988) specific role. Our kids are bombarded with messages that tell them you will matter when. You will matter when you [(01:06:36)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=3996) get the high GPA, when you when you get into the college of your dreams, when you look a certain way, when you have a
[(01:06:43)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=4003) certain number of likes, etc. I believe it is the role of the parent to create a home that is a haven from those [(01:06:51)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=4011) pressures, a mattering haven, a place where young people never have to prove their worth. [(01:06:58)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=4018) So we need to remind our kids day in and day out of their worth. So I met a woman in um Washington state who had two very [(01:07:07)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=4027)
high achieving kids. And I think this is something we could even do for ourselves. When her kids would come home [(01:07:12)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=4032) and they would um bomb a test or get rejected by a friend or not be invited to a party, she would reach into her
[(01:07:20)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=4040) wallet and she would grab whatever bill she had. Let's say it's a $20 bill. And she would say to her kids, "How much is [(01:07:26)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=4046) this worth? and they would say $20. And she'd say, "Okay, hang on a minute." She'd wrinkle it up very dramatically, [(01:07:32)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=4052) dirty it on the floor, dunk it in a glass of water, and then she would hold up this soggy, dirty, wrinkled bill, and [(01:07:39)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=4059) she would say, "How much is it worth now?" Like this $20 bill, your value doesn't [(01:07:46)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=4066) change. Whether you've been knocked down, wrinkled, or soggy inside, your worth is your worth, no matter what.
[(01:07:57)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=4077) And that is a very countercultural message today. So yes, I think parents play this unique special role in [(01:08:07)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=4087) convincing their children of their worth outside of a system that tells them they must prove it. Oh, we're out of time. [(01:08:18)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB127ZFN9Xg&t=4098)
This was amazing. Thank you all. We're gonna Thank you guys. Thank you so much.
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